So yesterday I wrote my friend of almost 14 years, someone I hold in highest esteem, and a person I turn to during some of my darkest moments for an objective, rational but insightful perspective. He did not disappoint me.
Excerpts of my email:
It's a very confusing time, these couple of weeks I seem to be experiencing short bursts of mild depression, then I stabilise for a while, then I get into a drugged daze of non-feeling by watching hours of TV shows on the net, and then I get short periods of reflection while I am driving, where I oscillate between determination, optimism and abject hopelessness. It is very weird, and my dreams aren't helping....i am getting the recurring one where I face down my ex bitch friend (who married my ex-fiance S behind my back) and I am giving her a piece of my mind, and she always listens to me in silence, never answering. I feel like i have reached an equilibrium since the beginning of this year when so much change was happening to me. You know how after you have settled somewhat into a stable equilibrium, you get uneasy pangs that make you feel you want to shake things up again?? Well I feel like that, except I didn't expect it to be so soon.... So if this is a midlife crisis, it's gonna be a mother of one.....it is making me question every single thing I am doing now, every single belief I have, surprisingly. And it makes me very confused, like a smorgasbord of emotion every day: dejection, insecurity, guilt, dissatisfaction, resentment, goodness, so much negativity!
What surprised me was Massimo's prompt reply, and what was even more surprising and thought-provoking was his theory explaining why I am feeling this way. I think it has value not only for my personal psychological health, but it has great ramifications for our society as a whole if there is any ring of truth to it, and I believe there is:
"It came to my attention, that in more than one occasion you seemed to be in search of something you can't find. Whether it was your true nature, your real self so to say, or something closely related to this, is up to you to tell me; in my opinion, you have tried to answer the greatest of all questions ("Who am I?") most of your life, but I don't think you have been always fully aware of this. I might be wrong, in both statements. Perhaps you always knew you were trying to answer this question, or perhaps you never wanted to answer it, but there are patterns, in your attitude towards life, that hint to me a possibility, as I don't dare saying more, I might be right.
Could this have something to do with the nature of the country you live in? Of course, I mean no offense whatsoever (especially considering whence I am talking), but when you sent me that famous tape showing Miss Singapore pageants, what captured my attention the most was both the nature of the TV programme, and that of the advertising. Both things pointed out a cogent truth, with which I wonder if you'll agree: Singapore is a melting pot of countless different cultures, including Chinese, Malay, European, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist and so on, all of which are concentrated in a single City-State, a condition that defies comparisons even with the United States of America.
Nonetheless, with so many ancient cultures side by side in such a small area, yet Singapore lacks its own, particular, cultural heritage. It was all the way too obvious watching your TV programme and advertising: what I saw was an attempt at cloning a savagely capitalist culture (or non-culture) borrowed to a very large extent from the United States, but lacking that country's historical origin. The impression I got from that was that Singapore is a country of everything and nothing at the same time, in the sense that in the face of the millenary cultures represented there, the city state itself lacks its own, and resorts to exporting the visuals, the appeal of a totally alien culture which fills your screens but certainly fails to fill your lives.
As a result, I suppose that the average Singaporean asks no questions, lives his life almost as a robot, imbued with whatever TV washes his brain with, works throughout his life to achieve wealth and social status and gives way to the next generation of living beings; all this, of course, can't apply to a deeply intelligent, thoughtful and MEANINGful subject such as you, by no chance one of the best friends I have ever had. When a brain like yours meets the void which I perceive from a distance, it can't but feel a sense of disorientation, as if life were aimless. So, I expect one like you to start looking for a meaning, for a sense, which in turns means roots.
What defines us Europeans, and to an extent even the Americans, is our cultural heritage. We have roots. We can grow to became just about everything, like everyone else on this world of course, but we have roots from which a trunk springs and branches diverge and foliage grows. The feeling I have, which might be wrong, is that in the very end, you don't feel that same "cultural heritage" in Singapore, while of course you rely on your being originally Chinese, in your case. I found you looking for Buddhism, weddings, and any other means of stability cultures have to offer, and I found it extremely interesting that you fell in love with Europe; the reason for this fondness, in my opinion, has to do with the appeal this sense of "having roots" must have on you. I might of course be totally wrong, but seen from this perspective, much of what you say, if not everything altogether, makes perfect sense to me."
I don't think Massimo is wrong at all, I have asked myself this same question about my existential rootlessness but I did not apply it to my current malaise. I doubt I have come across any Singaporean who has lived all their lives here who can offer a theory as concise as Massimo's. (Nor with such succinct eloquence for someone whose first language is not English) In sum, I do have certain points to make in response to his observations, not criticisms per se, but simply responses to some very, very astute observations. I will think about it for a while.
