How To Be Happy

On Sunday, I finished reading this book by Jonathan Haidt. In it, he tells us about a lot of good research done in the fields of psychology, sociology and economics which discovered what made people feel happy or gave them a sense of well-being and purpose. He also talked about what he had discovered in his own research on morality. Since Sunday, I have been hit non-stop by many ideas, thoughts and snapshots of all the things that have happened to me, the things I have learnt and the things I've talked about with people in the last 10 years. I was so excited, I wrote an email to my brother-in-law, Tobi, but still I had so many ideas and things to SAY.

This (long) post is about how I plan to become a happier person, and why it is so important for everyone to try to do it, at some point in their lives. I will divide it into two parts: THEN and NOW.

Then:

Some years ago, in 2007, I bought The Happiness Hypothesis while browsing at Kinokuniya bookstore. I read two chapters then I never finished it, it sat on my shelf till last week. I didn't finish the book then probably because I wasn't that interested in how to be happy and what scientists have to say about it. Ironically, I was in a most unhappy time of my life: i was just recovering from a terrible breakup of a 4 year relationship; I was in distress that I would never finish my graduate thesis (I had been working on my Masters research for 3 years); a good friend had destroyed our trust and ten-year friendship and it would be another two years before I learnt that she had betrayed me in the worst, imaginable way; a combination of the above, mistrust and misunderstanding had caused my father and I to be estranged, and it would be 3 more years before we would start communicating again. 

Many studies have shown that adversity helps people become more resilient and thereby more capable of being happy even in difficult circumstances. In other words, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (and by extension, happier).  I certainly have had my share of misery. But don't get me wrong, my project to become a better person started way before my adulthood. Being "happy" is something anyone ruminates over at some point, and I was certainly put to the test as a teenager grappling with self-esteem issues and later as a young adult struggling with constructing a "positive" identity and self-image. You see, I have a pair of the most cantankerous, negative parents anyone could have - they are cynical, risk averse and not quite open to new things and ideas that challenge their worldview. I do not blame them for bad parenting, in fact, they gave me some of my best attributes: prudence, skepticism and realism.  It's just that whatever it took to overcome my negativity and depression, I had to look for within myself.

When I was 18, I decided to become a "happy and confident person", yes, just like that! So I ditched my glassed for contact lenses, forced myself to get busy with activities in university and avoided my friend who for the past 3 years had done nothing but talk about herself and complain about other people. As soon as I did all that, I began to feel different. As I made new friends and started new plans, I became more confident of myself and that was maybe how I met my first boyfriend who, at that time, was everything I wanted in a boyfriend - goodlooking, sporty and popular.  Of course he was about as deep as a bottlecap, but at 19, you don't really concern yourself about the intellectual aspect of your relationship. I would regret this in years to come, but that's for another discussion.

I was sure I had succeeded at being happy and I had solved the equation to ending all depressiveness. I was wrong.  By 22, my relationship ended, I wanted to kill myself and every day I embarked on self-destructive behaviour (smoking, promiscuity) in order to validate the hate I had for myself and my deficiencies. Through sheer reason and self-will, I decided again to be a better person - out of spite. I would become strong again (confident and happy), successful (get a Masters degree) and special to someone worthier. And I did all that, in fact I did it so well that at 27 I almost went on to do my PhD, almost got married and almost ruined the rest of my life.

Like the Battlestar Galactica rollercoaster on Sentosa, I felt my emotional life spiralling out of control and plunge into hell yet again. I had shown potential academically: I was doing "serious" research in mental health (compared to some of my classmates, I thought condescendingly then), had the opportunity to co-write and publish papers in a psychiatric journal with notable professors at the NUS Medical School, I enjoyed being a teaching assistant and the feedback from my Sociology students reflected my capabilities and popularity every semester, and I was learning like never before, my mind was literally burst open and absorbing like a sponge those years in graduate school. I thought I could do it, that maybe intellectually, I had what it took to be a real researcher, to pursue and produce knowledge, to inspire and teach others.  Emotionally I was a complete fatality when it came to making the ultimate choice -- what do you do when you realise you do not love your fiance the way he loves you, that you cannot be faithful to him and you might find happiness with someone else?

I handled that very badly, you might say it was something like the North Korean crisis meets September 11th. So as my world fell apart at 27, I had to again figure out how to be happy, how to fix the mess, and which way to go, because so many things I had thought to be a given (like marriage and career) had been destroyed. It was nothing I could talk to my parents about, few people knew what had truly happened, and I was riddled with shame, guilt, anger, resentment, hurt and despair. As always, I had the help of one or two people who came into my life at the right moment to help me (finishing Masters and graduating) and support me (seeing the positive and moving forward). This time I was done being the victim and I decided to be happy in spite of the chaos that was my broken relationship with my father,  and the shambles of my shortlived academic life.

So I got myself a job just to be financially independent doing what I enjoyed - teaching Sociology - and ended a relationship that was going nowhere (finally I was able to recognise a dead-end when I saw it and quit). I approached relationships with a new vigor, it was like I was a new person, I didn't care about the guy anymore, what HE wanted, what HE expected of me, I did what I wanted, and who I wanted! It was liberating to be thinking about what made me happy and search for things I wanted to do.  Then I met Daniel and I made two risky choices that would change the direction of my life. First, learning from past mistakes, I decided to be with Daniel exclusively even though when I met him, I was seeing someone else and I found myself in another of those damn dilemmas (trust me, having to choose is not better than having no choice at all). Second, I moved out of my parents' and in with Daniel so that I could live the way I wanted (independently) and away from the stress at home (my father).

Little by little, I became happier as I constructed my life in the manner I had always wanted: doing the work I enjoyed, becoming responsible for my survival and loving somebody who loved me as much as he respected the person that I am. We took another risk last year and bought our first apartment together just before the economy rebounded from the recession. I decided then that it was time to fix the last thing that was wrong in my life - me and my father. I must stress it took me almost 4 years to acknowledge that if anyone was going to make the first move, it would have to be me. It isn't something you can just tell me to do (many people have, and failed), it's something I have to be prepared to do. The turning point was us getting married. And I have to thank Daniel for being the bridge between my father and me, it made it easier since my father now accepted Daniel as a bona fide part of our lives and not some ang moh bum I had shacked up with. Daniel still thinks he should get the Nobel Peace Prize, but I reminded him this is the Gaza Strip, not China after Nixon and Deng Xiaoping. There's still a long way to go.

Now:

I said so much about the past because it was a 15 year journey of searching for happiness, coping with adversity and going back again in search of happiness without committing suicide along the way.  I jest of course, my life cannot be worse than any average person's life with so many starving, diseased and wretched people out there more miserable than I've ever been. However, every person is given what he/she is given at birth and throughout life, and each of us has to make the most of it, for better or worse. I had learnt how to overcome bitterness and unhappiness but I had not quite mastered the knack of finding happiness ALL the time. Is it possible?

Many people think it is. People who deem themselves "holy" or "spiritual" think so, you've probably met people who don't seem to live a single unhappy day. I used to pooh pooh such people, I dismissed them as shallow (how else could they escape the depression that thinking brings?) or naive (see previous) or just lucky (they live "charmed" lives and just don't suffer as much adversity as others). I questioned if happiness was an illusion, as the Buddhists say, pain hides joy, joy hides pain, the palm hides the back of your hand, turn it over and it hides the palm - in the end, suffering and happiness are one and the same. The only true state of being that does not leave you dissatisfied is freedom from all states of mind -- Nirvana, ultimate peace. I really believed that there cannot be a lasting sort of happiness or contentment, because when I was "happy" I was mostly in an unthinking state of "flow", and I got a lot of this the past few years just hanging out with my friends, socialising, holidaying, dancing, singing and drinking. But when I wasn't doing all that, I found myself, from time to time, depressed about the shortness, the pointlessness and the meaninglessness of life.

Back to the book, it finally drew all the parts of my experience of life thus far (which I have just described above) into one stream of consciousness, if you will. Haidt drew much of his inspiration from one positive psychologist, Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi. His name is a mouthful, but what he has to say about "flow", the state of being completely immersed in the task you are doing, be it dancing, working, talking, playing sport, validates everything I have personally learnt and discovered about happiness. He said, "It is the full involvement of flow, rather than happiness, that makes for excellence in life. We can be happy experiencing the passive pleasure of a rested body, warm sunshine, or the contentment of a serene relationship, but this kind of happiness is dependent on favorable external circumstances. The happiness that follows flow is of our own making, and it leads to increasing complexity and growth in consciousness."  If you want a concise article of his ideas about finding flow, go to http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199707/finding-flow.

Haidt wrote that to be happy one must have love (positive, rewarding relationships) as well as to do work that one truly enjoys and finds purpose in doing. He said that in the latter one can experience Csikszentmihalyi's "flow", and the third ingredient is "spirituality" - the awareness and feeling of something greater than oneself. Some like to call it "god", some like "universe", I personally have not been awed or awestruck by a higher power or had some near-death experience (even though I wanted to be dead at times) resulting in some born-again experience. But I believe his results and research have a point to make about people being happier when they experience this, that's why mega churches that sing, sway and chant do so well, and people who meditate are so much calmer and at peace. But at moments, I do feel this sense of awe, of beauty that is pure and....good. It's when I happen to look up at the trees swaying under an azure sky, and when I look at a particular portrait or landscape (it's like the painter painted an emotion or feeling state into his canvas and pow, I saw/felt it).

So the plan to be happy as much as possible starts here. Rather than focus on the things I want to be rid of (like irritation, and annoying things at work) I am going to do these things whenever I can remember to:

1) Concentrate on whatever I am doing, whether its work (it's not boring, it's not annoying, it's something I can do properly, and properly is how I will do it!) or cooking or washing the dishes. When your mind is focused, it is clear of all nagging, distracting thoughts like how much you dislike what you're doing, and how you wish you were having a nap or at lunch. You make fewer mistakes because your mind is calm and uncluttered and in the end, you might get "flow" because you are so absorbed in it. Time passes faster and soon you're finished.

2) Build and nurture the good relationships I have now, and fix the not-so-good ones. All relationships are important, be they personal ones or social ones, my newest one would be with my kid - the ultimate rewarding relationship!

3) Find the time to do some of the things I have enjoyed in the past - playing the piano, reading (I do it plenty nowadays and it HAS made me happier) and painting (this one is harder cos I work with pastels and it's messy and I have no room in the apartment for my easel and tools). Cooking is really therapeutic when I don't see it as a tiresome chore, especially at 7pm after a long day at work.

4) Do something for others. Volunteering has been shown to boost one's health, well-being and suppress depression. It's hard to find a cause to volunteer for, what with all the things competing for our time and attention during our rare slices of spare time, but I will search for something to do just for the sake of helping someone else out or improving the life of someone else in a small way.

So that's how I think one can start being a happier person. Not by comparing yourself to people worse off than you, or by trying to change bad habits or things you don't like in your life. I've never before tried to focus on the good, positive and rewarding things life has to offer because I spent so much of my life eradicating negativity, rising above misery and failure, and avoiding things I considered "bad" for me. It's time for a new perspective, and now that I am 31, being happy is my new project.